i haven't posted in forever.
i did warn you.
my last relationship ended on a rocky note, in case you missed it. and my new relationship is rocky all of the time. i would say fml, but i kind of like it this way. i mean, i am miserable a lot, but i really love her, and overall i am happy with her. and the depression is actually a good thing, at least i hope it will be. i only write when i am depressed, soooo fingers crossed.
i just realized this is the sorriest bag of shit i have ever published. it sounds like a bad status update.
oh well, i will do better next time. this is me.
good day.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
well, that was fun.
hello again.
i suppose that the difficulties with which i was struggling at our last encounter are over. so that is good news. the other side of the coin is that, i guess, i was dumped. hmm. not how i saw that panning out.
yes, so the juice.
she somewhat out of the blue says that she needs to tell me something. ok. then she says that if i ever sleep with --------, whether we are together or not, she will never forgive me. or something to that effect.
i should probably explain that ------- is a friend of mine who has openly admitted affection for me, and to whom i have some affections. despite these common feelings, i have not and would not hurt my partner in such a way, and have made it clear to everyone involved that my current relationships failings are not interconnected with said friendship.
back to the story. i accept this statement with the appropriate nonchalance, only pausing to ask why, specifically, ------ would validate such brutal reaction. beware, lone reader, this is a shocking and somewhat crude turn of events.
she responds that -------- is a "skank", and that she has asked around (whaa?) and other people say she's a "skank" too. and if i ever slept with ----- i would probably contract unknown numbers of s.t.d.s etc. well, this rather unexpected outburst was rather unwelcome, as ------- is my friend, and a good one at that. one of the few friends that my withdrawn soul allows me, and i was a bit displeased to here such poisonous language utttered about her.
i made my objections known.
my just and right reward was being screamed at about how much of a whore my friend was and i could just go fuck myself, etc., etc. after what i would guess was 10 minutes of this, she storms out of the house. i leave it, and take care of some other things, doing my best to figure out what, exactly, had brought this on. i will admit i was a bit perturbed and my attitude while she was screaming at me was perhaps less than helpful, as i ranged from glaring at her in disgust, to laughing at the ludicrous display before me.
at any rate, i get ready to depart for my place of employment. suddenly, my cellular device alerts me to the fact that i have just received a text. it reads, and i quote, "Enjoy your first night as a single man. Move out whenever."
i could not help it. i laughed.
later while i was at work, she texted me an apology, but strangely omitted any mention of her slander of --------, which, by the way, had caused a ridiculous fiasco of drama, hatred, and stupidity on the site best known for those things, facebook.
i responded expressing my distaste for the events that had occured as a result of her... dramatic oversight, but that i forgave her. she responded with more certainty than ever that my friend was the one to blame for all of our issues. at which point i became ever so slightly enraged. her blind ignorance to her own faults and her incessant need to find someone else to blame did in fact take their toll on me. i have begged her to blame me and me alone for my lack of feelings for her, and she insists upon making it about another woman.
it was about here in the story which i acknowledge that i no longer maintained the calm high ground. my disgust finally took the better of me, and i poured some of my distaste into a few poorly chosen words. words that may scar the woman i used to love. and i am ashamed at my weakness. let us simply say that i concocted a few literary gems designed specifically to sting, rather than to inform. i can only assume that one or more of them hit its mark because she ceased contact, and i have not spoken to her. she is sleeping in the next room, but i do not think face to face will help.
and so, i am here, and i suppose i am moving out within the next week.
i find it necessary to apologize for this. i have a deep hatred for people who post 'notes' on facebook about specific people who have done something. i have an abiding disgust for posting private, dramatic information about other people online, especially when it puts them in a bad light. it affects their personal lives in ways more intricate than most people imagine. i only hope that my somewhat anonymous retelling of what i experienced is not as damaging, and i hope that any readers of this post will forgive me for stooping to even this level. in future, i hope to provide more intellectually stimulating, if not morally neutral, material.
i suppose that the difficulties with which i was struggling at our last encounter are over. so that is good news. the other side of the coin is that, i guess, i was dumped. hmm. not how i saw that panning out.
yes, so the juice.
she somewhat out of the blue says that she needs to tell me something. ok. then she says that if i ever sleep with --------, whether we are together or not, she will never forgive me. or something to that effect.
i should probably explain that ------- is a friend of mine who has openly admitted affection for me, and to whom i have some affections. despite these common feelings, i have not and would not hurt my partner in such a way, and have made it clear to everyone involved that my current relationships failings are not interconnected with said friendship.
back to the story. i accept this statement with the appropriate nonchalance, only pausing to ask why, specifically, ------ would validate such brutal reaction. beware, lone reader, this is a shocking and somewhat crude turn of events.
she responds that -------- is a "skank", and that she has asked around (whaa?) and other people say she's a "skank" too. and if i ever slept with ----- i would probably contract unknown numbers of s.t.d.s etc. well, this rather unexpected outburst was rather unwelcome, as ------- is my friend, and a good one at that. one of the few friends that my withdrawn soul allows me, and i was a bit displeased to here such poisonous language utttered about her.
i made my objections known.
my just and right reward was being screamed at about how much of a whore my friend was and i could just go fuck myself, etc., etc. after what i would guess was 10 minutes of this, she storms out of the house. i leave it, and take care of some other things, doing my best to figure out what, exactly, had brought this on. i will admit i was a bit perturbed and my attitude while she was screaming at me was perhaps less than helpful, as i ranged from glaring at her in disgust, to laughing at the ludicrous display before me.
at any rate, i get ready to depart for my place of employment. suddenly, my cellular device alerts me to the fact that i have just received a text. it reads, and i quote, "Enjoy your first night as a single man. Move out whenever."
i could not help it. i laughed.
later while i was at work, she texted me an apology, but strangely omitted any mention of her slander of --------, which, by the way, had caused a ridiculous fiasco of drama, hatred, and stupidity on the site best known for those things, facebook.
i responded expressing my distaste for the events that had occured as a result of her... dramatic oversight, but that i forgave her. she responded with more certainty than ever that my friend was the one to blame for all of our issues. at which point i became ever so slightly enraged. her blind ignorance to her own faults and her incessant need to find someone else to blame did in fact take their toll on me. i have begged her to blame me and me alone for my lack of feelings for her, and she insists upon making it about another woman.
it was about here in the story which i acknowledge that i no longer maintained the calm high ground. my disgust finally took the better of me, and i poured some of my distaste into a few poorly chosen words. words that may scar the woman i used to love. and i am ashamed at my weakness. let us simply say that i concocted a few literary gems designed specifically to sting, rather than to inform. i can only assume that one or more of them hit its mark because she ceased contact, and i have not spoken to her. she is sleeping in the next room, but i do not think face to face will help.
and so, i am here, and i suppose i am moving out within the next week.
i find it necessary to apologize for this. i have a deep hatred for people who post 'notes' on facebook about specific people who have done something. i have an abiding disgust for posting private, dramatic information about other people online, especially when it puts them in a bad light. it affects their personal lives in ways more intricate than most people imagine. i only hope that my somewhat anonymous retelling of what i experienced is not as damaging, and i hope that any readers of this post will forgive me for stooping to even this level. in future, i hope to provide more intellectually stimulating, if not morally neutral, material.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
hello.
i started this recording for two reasons. 1) a dear friend suggested that it might be more cathartic than screaming into a pillow, and 2) i lost my password to the old blog.
ah, well.
speaking of, i should probably post a link to the old one. hmm.
anyway, the catharsis i/she spoke of is to work out a massive crumbling in my life currently. my partner of nearly 3 years and i are... having issues. now the first reaction, i understand, is "why should i care, this happens to everyone all the time" to which i answer, you are correct. now go away, this is my therapy, not your entertainment.
anyway, i have a horrid habit of becoming attached. or i should say, encouraging attachment. something about me just generates ridiculous level of trust and devotion in those close to me. oh my, i left out an s in that sentence. ah well.
well, my partner is one such victim of my... condition. and she has built her life around me in such a ludicrous manner, to the point that i am unsure about her well-being should i leave. now this is uncomfortable enough as it is, but the truly appalling part is that i have unwittingly nurtured this co-dependency for just under 3 years. actually, longer, if i'm honest.
now, i must pause and express what i seem to have overlooked. i am also utterly dependent on her. i have spent three years of my life planning the next thirty, all around her. aha! a twist!
alright not really. but despite the fact that i am breaking inside, my main concern is, and must be, her.
i have remained a broken shell for most of my paltry existence, and i shall continue to do so. but i actually succeeded in making her life better, and i do not wish all our work to go to waste just because i have faded.
hm.
my cathartic urge has vanished.
hm.
i suppose i shall continue my story in part two, the tale of the vanishing sympathies!
eventually, i suppose this medium will probably serve the purpose of its predecessor and play home to piss-poor poems, songs and philosophical meanderings, punctuated occasionally by quirky novellas or childish rants. for more of the above, feel free to visit my long forgotten page, with a link somewhere... here. i suppose i will "follow" myself, or some such nonsense...
good day.
ah, well.
speaking of, i should probably post a link to the old one. hmm.
anyway, the catharsis i/she spoke of is to work out a massive crumbling in my life currently. my partner of nearly 3 years and i are... having issues. now the first reaction, i understand, is "why should i care, this happens to everyone all the time" to which i answer, you are correct. now go away, this is my therapy, not your entertainment.
anyway, i have a horrid habit of becoming attached. or i should say, encouraging attachment. something about me just generates ridiculous level of trust and devotion in those close to me. oh my, i left out an s in that sentence. ah well.
well, my partner is one such victim of my... condition. and she has built her life around me in such a ludicrous manner, to the point that i am unsure about her well-being should i leave. now this is uncomfortable enough as it is, but the truly appalling part is that i have unwittingly nurtured this co-dependency for just under 3 years. actually, longer, if i'm honest.
now, i must pause and express what i seem to have overlooked. i am also utterly dependent on her. i have spent three years of my life planning the next thirty, all around her. aha! a twist!
alright not really. but despite the fact that i am breaking inside, my main concern is, and must be, her.
i have remained a broken shell for most of my paltry existence, and i shall continue to do so. but i actually succeeded in making her life better, and i do not wish all our work to go to waste just because i have faded.
hm.
my cathartic urge has vanished.
hm.
i suppose i shall continue my story in part two, the tale of the vanishing sympathies!
eventually, i suppose this medium will probably serve the purpose of its predecessor and play home to piss-poor poems, songs and philosophical meanderings, punctuated occasionally by quirky novellas or childish rants. for more of the above, feel free to visit my long forgotten page, with a link somewhere... here. i suppose i will "follow" myself, or some such nonsense...
good day.
disclaimer
i will not post regularly.
i will not be up to date.
i will not capitalize simply to follow the rules.
I will not mindlessly rebel.
i will be as honest as i can.
i will express what is important to me at the time. and based on previous experience,
i will be occasionally so obtuse in my expression that no one will be able to understand.
ah, well.
i will not be up to date.
i will not capitalize simply to follow the rules.
I will not mindlessly rebel.
i will be as honest as i can.
i will express what is important to me at the time. and based on previous experience,
i will be occasionally so obtuse in my expression that no one will be able to understand.
ah, well.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)